The Origin of Re-Minders

A couple of New Years ago

i sat on the edge of my bed before lying down

taking some moments in the stark lamplight

to search myself

alright...

whaddya got this year?

where are ya headed?

what do you want?

what're ya aiming for?

what are ya finally done with?

what are ya gonna let go of?

what are ya gonna create?

and all those usual thoughts...

they were boring

they fell flat as a pancake.

blah blah blah

working out blah blah

writing a book blah blah

playing music blah blah

eh

what is this?!

what am i actually trying to do here?

what is it that I'm pushing for?

quit pushing me!

it reminded me of Pema Chödron's book

The Wisdom of No Escape

where she described the yearning to be better

as a subtle aggression towards yourself

(BOOM)

subtle aggression...

ever thought of it like that before?

the thought of changing yourself is actually

an aggressive thought against who you actually are in this moment.

can't even let ourselves BE.

and we can't let ourselves be with ourselves.

she says: "the point is not to change ourselves

the point is to make friends with who we are already"

make friends...

now there's a thought.

wooo, just think about it

How much of your day is

pushing for this, becoming that,

chastising that old habit.

is your inner dictator saying:

"i will not accept you as you are now...

you are still not __________ enough!"

right?

you're still not ________ enough! :)

only you really know.

some of you might say,

but goals are good.

and i would say, I agree.

and you would say, I like to set goals!

and I would say...i can see why.

but the question is

where are the goals coming from?

a ground of fear, of judgment

a belief in self-flagellation?

this must be done!

or have they organically emitted from the ground of sweet unfolding love

a blossoming encouragement and confidence toward a calling?

nothing gets "better" but from the ground of total acceptance

total letting go of the agenda

total nurturing

and loving-kindness

the willingness to be with what is

at least in my experience...

trying to "fix" things leaves me (and everyone else) in ruins

and so

there on the edge of my bed

somewhere around New Years

I embarked on a year of

seeing if I could accept and love myself

like, completely...

in a year.

heh heh

it seemed (and still seems) the ultimate goal.

i really don't think I can achieve anything greater in this world.

i can pass down no greater legacy to my girls

than the ability to soften into and trust who I am.

For me, it's the original lesson and the final one-- the ability to make friends with the (womb)man in the mirror.

If I secretly cultivate hate, irritation, judgment for me

if I abuse me,

(and sometimes not so secretly) what in the world do I think can come from that?

only more of the same.

so i began

I started this fat, little notebook that i kept by my bed

and every time I would have a thought that broke through the ice of self-hatred

and landed me back in the expanding warmth of Love

I wrote it down.

Every time I was completely lost and spinning and something pierced through and

I was suddenly on the solid ground of being found

I wrote it down.

the idea was

to use the pages like bread crumbs

the next time i found myself feeling lost or stuck

or claustrophobic

I would reach for the book

flip it open

and come back to myself

It is really a scientific notebook of research and findings.

it is a map.

it is the practice manual for cutting new neural pathways

and in this practice

the old neural pathways which had been trained in fear and hate

could be re-grooved

toward

gentleness

empowerment

trusting

and ease

hence...

Re-Minders

get it.... :)

and guess what...

I found myself in January of the next year saying...oh

huh maybe this is gonna take more than a year ;)

well, I'll just keep going.